Alright, yesterday and today were both awful, but I will make tomorrow better.
I went with my mother grocery shopping, and ended up buying lots of fat-free foods.
Hopefully that will help a bit.
If there are no fatty foods in the house, I can't eat them.
I'm just worried about developing an irresponsible mentality, ie) "I can eat as much as I want, because it is all fat free."
I'm on a multivitamin, starting tomorrow.
I'm actually really scared, because the last few times I've tried taking vitamins, my body has been unable to handle it.
We'll see what happens.
I have renewed motivation to be thin thanks to Sahil.
He won't even speak to me anymore, let alone acknowledge me as competent.
I thought maybe I could be over him soon, until I saw him on Saturday, and everything just fell apart.
It didn't help that I had to go straight to homecoming to play at halftime after.
I was absolutely miserable and treated everybody awful, which made me even more miserable.
Then I went out to dinner with friends to make myself feel better, and subsequently felt more miserable.
Great weekend!
But I think that I have a crush on this other boy.
He has a girlfriend, though, so that's all blown to bits before it even begins.
But he doesn't seem to attached to her.
He flirts with every girl he encounters, including me.
And I don't mind, but it kind of sparks a sort of false hope.
Anyway, I can't sleep, and I certainly can't look at myself in the mirror.
I can feel this one tiny little fold in my belly and it's bothering me to no end.
It needs to go away, as soon as it possibly can.
I need to remember not to whine about how large I've gotten in front of my family.
My sister was so scared that she almost cried.
Apparently her friends all tell her, "Your sister is anorexic," like it's some kind of joke.
Apparently, my life isn't the only one I'm wrecking...
But for some reason I can't wait to get back into the swing of things.
I just want to lose weight right now, more than anything.
I weight about 110 I think, though I haven't had access to a scale.
I want to lose 20 pounds, I decided in the shower this morning, while I was prodding my fat hips.
I know that I've been eating "healthy."
I know that it's how I'm supposed to be.
But I need to be thin. I can't be average anymore.
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